As a therapist, I often have parents come into the office professing how out of control their child’s behavior has gotten and how daily moments that should be manageable have become drowned in physical and emotional outbursts from their child. Parents often acknowledge that they are at their wit’s end and they just “don’t know what to do anymore” to get their child to listen and behave. Far too often, I hear parents talk about how the child’s teachers and family members have given up hope that the child can learn to conduct themselves appropriately. As discouraging as things can seem, sometimes just a little bit of support and a few tweaks in parenting strategies can really provide some relief and positive change to the families.
Contrary to how dreary the future may look to some, it’s important to remember children, like all humans, go through phases and adjustments in life and can grow through adversity. Learning how to provide optimal parenting for your child can feel out of reach and difficult at times, especially when the village have become nay sayers, but with the right knowledge and support You can do it! And of course, your children will thank you for it in their twenties.
There are a ton of parenting tips to share with you that could be amazing tools for your metaphorical parenting tool box, however, even the best parents must begin with the basics. To Keep It Simple Sweetie (KISS), we will begin with three fundamental ideas to help you start making small changes that will re-instill ease and structure in what may currently feel like moments of chaos.
Tip #1: Consistency is Key
Believe it or not, children want consistency. This tip really takes some honest analysis and effort on the part of the parent, but let me explain why it is key. Children do best if they have a clear expectation and can predict results seen in their environment that occur based on their actions. I often encourage parents to take a closer look at which limits and boundaries they have set for their kids and whether or not they are sticking to them. I like to empower parents to know they have a part in teaching their children ways of behaving which can be adjusted through the ongoing structure they provide.
EXAMPLE: Bobby loves cookies. Bobby knows mommy hides cookies in the left cabinet and he likes to snack on all of them right after school. If mommy catches Bobby snacking on forbidden cookies, but Bobby only gets consequences every other time that he is caught, mommy can guarantee Bobby will continue to eat cookies because he is not receiving consistent consequences. Please be aware: Behaviors continue because kids know that they can get away with it sometimes. If you leave the discipline door open to intermittent chance, you will not get the consistent results you are looking for in your child’s behavior.
Tip #2: Routine
Routines can really make a difference. Routines establish clear expectations and decrease the likelihood of a power struggle. Having a routine can bring your child a sense of comfort, security, and normalcy which will decrease those outbursts of emotions such as anger, disappointment, and frustration. There are several activities families engage in daily that can benefit from simple routines. Some of these activities include getting ready in the morning, bath-time, bedtime, and even mealtimes.
Children thrive with structure, limits, and boundaries. They can even gain confidence from becoming a leader in accomplishing the routine you set up. In addition, do not be afraid to define what will and will not be tolerated in these activities, especially if physical aggression occurs. Believe it or not, what you instill in your child on a day to day basis will impact how they follow through with raising their children, should they decide to. So to all the future gigi’s, nana’s and papa’s, please note that setting up routines now can really pay off for everyone in the long run.
Tip #3: Practice Self Control
It’s so important that parents remain calm and patient when dealing with difficult behaviors. According to Psychology Today, parents who are emotionally responsive, set empathic limits, model emotional regulation, and encourage children to pursue their passions will raise self-disciplined kids.
So parents, it really counts to keep your cool. We are always leading by example and what they say is true, “More is caught than taught!” Try practicing using a neutral and positive tone when possible. Modeling this will show your child how they can appropriately communicate when they may be having difficult and intense emotions.
Another helpful tip for parents related to self control is for parents to become aware of whether they are matching their message with their tone of voice, hand gestures, and body language. For example, we should not be communicating to the child that it is time to leave the area using mismatched body language. These mismatched non-verbals can look like continuing to sit next to the child waiting for them to move, facing them fully, and remaining still while engaging in further negotiation about the request. When it is time to exit, try modeling while you communicate, i.e. stand, take a few steps towards the door, and maybe even point to something you notice outside to gesture the direction in which you would like them to follow. Don’t get frustrated if this doesn’t work at first. Kids will be resistant to follow your lead initially and may be reluctant to change. The key is to not become overly reactive and frustrated yourself, but to engage in teaching and guiding your child to follow your instructions. Over time, children will follow the example you lead. Trust the process! It is progress not perfection and with small changes improvement will come.
Additional Support
Please know that each child, parent, and family is unique and what works for one may not work best for all cases. Additionally, when children are presenting with behaviors that are impeding their functioning at home or in school, it may be beneficial to consider a mental health assessment or assistance from a professional therapist. These are general guidelines and additional support and information is available to those that may desire more.
Bonus Tip for Parents
The #1 additional tip I encourage parents to incorporate is creating quality time with their child. I recommend one hour a week of uninterrupted child-parent time, which should include enjoyable activities agreed upon by both parties. Board games, cards, walks, reading books, and ball toss are great. Having that positive connection consistently will make all the difference in your parenting journey!
Happy Parenting!!!
Stephanie Paugh, LMHC
